The Sheath Of A Sword
by Mina Uchiha
Summary: He was guilty of her. Of her pain, her sorrow and, just enough guilty for her happiness and contentment. And now, as she is gone, he reflects his feelings for her, those feelings which he could not convey before. KenshinxTomoe. Spoilers


_**Ore no Saya**_

_**Genre:**__** Angst**_

_**Rating:**__** K+**_

_**Contains spoilers of Tsuiokuhen and a little of Seisouhen.**_

_**Every sword needs a sheath… but what happens when one sword loses its sheath for good…?**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin Tsuiokuhen, the Anime, The Seisouhen or the manga.**_

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"As long as I know what human warmth feels like… I…" That was all he could say, even as her dead body lay in front of him.

"I'm leaving now, Tomoe." And with that he was gone.

The ashes behind him, the crackling of the fire, the sound of falling wood and burning of the rice paper walls inside. He was walking away, yet again, walking away from his fears. He was walking away from what he had done, leaving behind no trace of memory, no trace of life behind him. He had never left behind life, only death and sorrow.

That life, which he so dearly treasured, the life with contentment. The life he had spent alone in the fields with his beloved wife. The life which he had spent, trying to hide away from his sins. The life with that one person, who helped him forget his fears and troubles. The one person who believed him to be innocent instead of the real death personified he was.

Everyone feared him, trembled at the sound of his name. She was right all along. He truly did make it rain of blood. A rain, which was endless and was engraved in his whole body. It was slowly eating him alive from the inside. He had shed only a single tear at the loss of someone dear to him. The last thing dear to him. The only thing dear to him. And it disgusted him. It made him feel sick to have become so heartless as to leave behind everything as if nothing happened. It sickened him to think that he believed all that Iizuka ever said to him about her. It sickened him to think that, after all that she had done for him, after all that she believed in him, after all that she had sacrificed just love him, he was the soul person who's hands were covered with her blood.

He could never forgive himself for what he had done to her. He was the reason she was cold in life. He was the reason she had a suffered. He left no way to give her pain. He gave her pain in every aspect of life. He stole away her fiancé, he stole away her happiness, he forced her into witnessing death, he made her see things which would drive man insane, he forced her into a life of hatred and solitude. Yet after all that he had done to destroy her very soul, she still chose to be with him, still chose to protect him, still chose to be his sheath. The very sheath which reminded him that even a hitokiri like him could be humane.

The road in front of him was getting narrower and narrower as he walked. The scene of the burning life behind him was slowly fading away. Those memories, those smiles, those sweet reminiscences of old times, he was hoping that they would burn away and turn to ashes just like that bleak wooden structure behind him. But it was far to much to hope for. Those memories, memories which gave him tearful smiles, painful joy and blissful hatred were engraved deep in his very existence. His soul was tainted with that ink, that red ink symbolizing the blood which he mercilessly spilled. His life was a personification of hatred and detestation.

He couldn't even live up to her last wish. He couldn't let go of his sword. But then again, he couldn't live up to his promise even if he wanted to. He had promised to let his sword go if he had her by his side, but she was already gone. She was gone even before the war came to an end.

He knew he would have to kill again. He knew he would have to spill blood again. The same blood which made her sick to her stomach. The same blood which terrified her, the same blood she was to see every day of her forsaken life. And he was the cause behind every single miserable, heart-felt, lonely, painful day of her life. He was the reason she had been caught in a maze, a labyrinth of nightmares which were to last eternally.

_That mirror._ The same mirror her had given her as a gift. The mirror she had embraced and made her own. The same mirror which defined his affection to her. What else could he do? He was a cold, heartless man-slayer. He was an assassin of assassins. He could not even convey his true feelings to her. He couldn't even return all that she had done for him. He couldn't even say a mere 'thank you' on her death.

But how could he even say 'thank you' to her? She was in his arms, bleeding incessantly. That painful color was seeping in her white kimono. Her scent of plum-blossom was polymerizing with the sickening smell of blood. But it was so strong that it even made her blood smell heavenly. Her eyes were half open and she lightly grasped the small dagger which was half buried in the snow.

He could make out very clearly that she was in pain even when she was lifting that dagger towards him. It pinched his cheek, but he couldn't even wince at the pain. It was nothing, it was literally nothing compared to the pain she was going through.

She used up the last of her energy in dragging the dagger straight in his cheek. And when she knew she had done what she had meant to do, she gave a smile to him. A smile which reassured him that he was to remain blameless. A smile which told him that none of the pain that she had felt in all her life was his fault. A smile which asked him of only one thing, to be find all the happiness in the world.

'Go-men… nasai…' she had muttered.

How ironic, wasn't it? He was supposed to express his gratitude, his affection to her, while she was the one who actually was apologizing. For what? She had nothing to feel sorry about. She had nothing to apologize for. It was he was at fault. It was he who was supposed to beg for forgiveness. He knew all too well what she would say even if he asked forgiveness, she would tell him that she had never even blamed him and that he should learn to forgive himself. He knew she was just to kind to even blame anyone for the hurt she had always coped with.

He was cruel and unworthy to be forgiven. He had sinned beyond relief. He had shed too much to be absolved for it. She wanted him to always be happy. She told him that he would easily find happiness if he had let go of his sword. So that must mean that he would never find happiness. Or rather, he didn't want to find happiness. Maybe he wanted to keep himself in the pain and sorrow just to understand even the slightest of what she had been going through. But then again, he had done so much, given so much sorrow, fouled the air with the smell of blood, he deserved no happiness. He deserved a life of hatred and sorrow. But she, she was blameless. She was innocence and purity personified. She was the sheer beauty of life, she was the real essence of mercy and kindness. Why did she have to suffer? He wanted to exchange all the pain she had been through and take it to himself. Yet she gave him happiness, she tried to make his life a little less meaningless. And she had so desperately succeeded in making him feel less guilty about everything.

But now that she was gone, he was overwhelmed by the guilt she had buried inside her own self. It was in his soul, his mind, his body, his heart. His eyes had started to gain their pure colour, but now it was disappearing again.

Katsura-san had already given him his next assignment and he was to do nothing but to oblige. He was too caught up in a vortex, a vortex of mercilessness because of his first and most devastating mistake. A mistake of not listening to his Shishou, his master, Hiko Seijiro. And now he was paying a very suiting price.

But he made a vow to himself that he would stop this madness after the war ends. He would wield his sword, he was manipulate his skills to protect. To atone for all the sins he had committed, he would wield hi sword in _her_ name. He would protect, not to purify his own soul, but to make her happy. To show her that she meant to him what no other meant.

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"How much did Himura Tomoe do? How much did she sacrifice? What can I do to replace her from his heart?"

She would usually sob this way when she was alone. And to think that she thought I didn't know such things. But I tried my best not to bring up this topic. It made me feel bad, made me feel guilty about what I was doing. But it couldn't be helped, she was irreplaceable. Kaoru-dono had done so much for sesha, not only for sesha but also for Sanosuke and Yahiko.

She gave us a home, a family, a life. And I was never able to repay her. It was just like back then, Tomoe had done so much for me and in return, my sword was the very sword which pierced through her.

Though, I can never say that it was a mishap or something which was unforeseeable. I had tried to turn a blind eye to the inevitable and the poignant outcome, thus, was caused by my own sheer oblivion towards the consequences of my errors in the past. After all the lives I had taken, one would really believe that I was not worth happiness. And indeed I was unworthy, I was truly unworthy of _her_. And as long as I am alive, I will carry her burden, the same burden she tried to take off me and died to succeed, yet here I am, again, trying to live a life of atonement, the same life she wanted me to live. She wanted me to live and that was the only reason why I was still willing to go on with this life. Besides, this was my punishment. After all the sorrow I have brought, I don't deserve a peaceful death. I only deserve to live in this dark and lonely world and suffer, suffer with the burden of all those deaths which I had brought upon the people.

I really hope you can forgive me Kaoru-dono. I have brought upon so many troubles in your life ever since I have come to you. I know I might never be able to repay you but I still want to see you happy. I want you to be happy and smile to me, a smile of love and affection. I am indeed selfish, still wanting a person's love, a family who cares for me. And you gave me that family. You and Kenji, you made my life complete. And now, now that I am here, my head resting in your lap, I can finally show my gratitude towards you.

"Okairi, Shinta…" She whispers to me.

_Shinta._ She remembered what I had asked from her so long ago. It made me feel happy. After such a long time, I was feeling like I belonged. And I know I only have a few breaths left in me. And as I made this plea, I could feel that scar on my cheek slowly start to vanish. I know Tomoe had heard me. And I know that she had forgiven me. So before I go, here is my last plea.

'Thank you… thank you for everything you have done for me. If it wasn't for your guidance, I would have never found this happiness. I really do hope I did not betray you after all that you did for me. I am not worthy of being forgiven, but if you find it in you to do so, and even if you don't, still know that, even now, as I am being held in the arms of a woman that I love, you will always remain in my heart. You will always be my _first._

Kaoru-dono told me she saw you in her dream. She was smiling back then while she told me a little about it. Now that I come to think about it, I really do believe that it must be you who was in her dream. It must be you who told her to keep me happy. Why you still care so much for me, I do not understand. But just know that, where ever you, how ever you are, and what ever you might be thinking right now, I hope you are able to listen to me when I say,

I love you. I still love you, Himura… Tomoe…'

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"Nee Kenji-kun, why did you stop here…?" Said a tiny voice from behind as a boy with bright red hair stopped in his path.

Kenji looked around to see a lot of plum blossoms here and there. His deep blue eyes looked around, as if searching for something. He wanted to brush off the feeling, but it couldn't be helped. Something was drawing to him. He narrowed his eyes, looking away from the girl next to him and turning his attention towards his strange feeling.

There it was, buried half way into the ground. A stone a little far away from where he stood, with engravements on it. Kenji slowly took steps towards the stone. The girl, filled with uncertainty, walked behind him, following his every footstep.

As Kenji got close to the stone, he noticed it was a grave. And the strangest thing was that exactly in front of the stone lay a freshly blossomed plum-blossom, silently on the earth. It was as if someone purposely left it there instead of seeming to have been fallen there by the wind. Kenji turned his attention towards the grave stone.

"H-Himura… Tomoe…" He read silently.

'HIMURA?!' He screamed to himself.

"Nee, Kenji-kun? Why does this gravestone have your father's name on it?" The girl asked, drowning further in confusion.

"T-Tomoe… Tomoe-sama…" He said as he bent down to sit on the ground. "Okaa-san once told me of a person with this name. She had told me that there was a person in my father's life who he cared for deeply. She had told me that she was a woman of great beauty and elegance. A lady who had suffered great hardships and done limitlessly for my father. She had also told me that Tomoe-sama had something to do with the scar on my father's cheek. She was my father's first wife?" Kenji said unsurely.

He girl looked at the stone with her eyes lit up. She could just imagine what great beauty and elegance the lady must have had.

"I never knew my father had been married before…" Kenji whispered.

And it was surely very odd, even for him. He thought he would be angered by the thought of his father getting married before getting married to his own mother. He thought he would get angry at him for not telling Kenji of his first marriage.

Yet Kenji was smiling, even to his own surprise and disbelief. Just the name, just her presence made him feel relieved.

"Somehow I feel that if my father was here, he would say 'Thank you' to you, Tomoe-sama. May your soul rest in peace…" Kenji whispered, an affectionate smile forming on his lips.

He could see from the side of his eye that the girl next to him had her eyes closed and was praying for the dead woman. Kenji smiled at the girl and got up to his feet again.

Then he leaned upwards on his toes and broke a few branches of plum-blossom, gathering them into a massy bouquet and setting them on her grave.

The girl got up and smiled at the boy, then they were off once again. But just before Kenji was about to lose sight of the grave, he stopped, looked back and smiled.

'She must have been really important… both for Okaa-san and Otou-san… and somehow I can feel her looking down on my right now, looking down on me with my father and mother and smiling…' He thought as he gave back his one last smile to the grave and walked on.

And the only thing he heard as the wind blew was her sweet voice, whistling sweet words of contentment incoherently. She was satisfied. She was truly _happy… 'Kenshin… I have nothing left to forgive... because… I will always love you too… just as much and more…'_

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_**So… what do you think? I know it is a bit lame and stupid but I couldn't help it. I just love Tomoe-san and Kenshin-kun. They are just so… so perfect. And with all that Tomoe-san has done for our Ken-san, no one can even dislike her. You instantly fall in love with her.**_

_**Anways, review… I might actually write more like these if I get a good feedback…**_

_**Ja Ne…**_


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